Justify

Out of all the strands of DNA that make me who I am, I do not have a single molecule of ‘cool.’  Not one. I don't mean trendy with good hair and impeccable fashion sense; no, that is not the kind of 'cool' I am talking about. I mean I do not have not a single ounce of the 'chill' cool in me.

I was never the cool-chick girlfriend and I am not the cool-chick wife. I'm not the girl doing shots with her husband or whipping out the worm (is that cool?) If things do not go as planned, you won't find me sitting back with the "everything will be fine, life throws some curve balls" mentality. I cry. Although I have always craved to wake up as the easy going-version of myself (she has to be in there somewhere..) I close my eyes and picture doing things that that entail and I just cringe. I have accepted it, I am a little lame.

I am a master of drastic- and incorrect assumptions. I am constantly convinced everyone has a gun strapped to their thigh, and a knife in their shoe…I am sure that every shift of turbulence will lead to my demise, I take just about every comment personally, and have a very Old-Testament view of forgiveness. (Despite the daily grace and mercy I ask the Lord to please show ME.) I am sensitive, emotional, a little jealous... shall I go on? None of those scream, “PLEASE, pick me!!” 

But my husband picks me. And my family pics me, (I tell myself it's not just because they have to,) and my friends pick me, and my Lord and Savior picks me every single moment of every single day. He thinks I'm pretty fantastic, but that doesn't mean He doesn't want me to become better by the moment. I am constantly striving to become the best 'me' yet. Jill 3.0, if you will. Yet as I attempt to make the strides, I notice what constantly keeps me back: Just-IF-ication. 

I think we justify why we are the way we are far too much instead of just moving forward. In order to get better, we absolutely must first accept who- and where- we are. I would love to be uber confident and non-judgemental and easy going. I am, however, absolutely not one of those things. 

Yet. 

 I will be, but I am not. And as long as I try to convince myself that I am confident-grace giving-fun chick, I will stay sensitive insecure-lame-chick. I will accept who I am because I am called to, and I will become better because I am destined to. As for right now, lame-chick is just fine.

²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 2:22-24