Maybe it was the twenty second flight since September 1st that did this to me,
Maybe it's the whirlwind of the Holidays,
Maybe its the herniated discs that wont give up after four years,
Maybe it is the home decorating, the five losses in a row, or just plain too much on a plate.
Who knows what is to blame, but I woke up this morning absolutely exhausted and worn down- physically and emotionally. I almost cried at the gym out of sheer confusion as to why I feel like such a mess.I have been talking to my back as if it were a person, like it is responsible for the issues it causes. I have been treating my immune system as if it were a younger sister that did something wrong for allowing me to get sick.
Ultimately, however, the thing I cringe at accepting is that I am angry at God because I don't understand or agree with some twists and turns he has presented me with. Unknowingly, when I speak negatively, fearfully, or doubtfully about my back, I am speaking those things to my Heavenly Father. I have always been a fearful person, so when my mom told me years ago that fear was a sin I broke down. I immediatley fell to my knees thinking to myself "I might as well be Hitler! If all sin is equal, I have years of repenting to do!!" (I actually had a completely different intention for the subject of this post- but it has taken on a mind of its own and I'm gonna let it do what it wants.)
Last week in our Redskins couple's Bible Study, we went over the power of our tongue and the importance of our words. I think that something Christians overlook most commonly in their every day life is the fact that we will be responsible for every single word we speak. Every one. And rightfully so, because every single one of those words has the power to impact our lives. I have been guilty far too many times of Praising God that I am healed, and spending the rest of my day talking about how sick I am and feel. We actually have a hold on our own health, and I firmly believe this. My love has not played in the past few games due to injury. He has been in the training room faithfully, due to three different injuries, every morning at 7am since August. Every. Day. Just when he was beginning to get discouraged, a trainer began asking him about his faith. Little things like that remind me that our injuries or rough-patches are not always about us.
Another area my words catch me is gossip. Not 'OH NO SHE DIDN'T" gossip, just plain speaking of people when they aren't there. This is something I believe people overlook all together these days, but it is truly something I try to take a hold of. I know far too many Christians that enjoy more than anything the act of straight bad-talking people. Maybe to make themselves feel or look better, maybe out of habit. I always hold tight to two things: I never feel safe talking to those people, and it is almost a contagious disease. I am making a conscious effort to better my life by ridding myself of gossip. I hope you'll join me...and hold me accountable!
Wrapping up a point with Beyonce is always the best way to go, so I'll tie this up nicely. I have never been a die-hard Beyonce fan. To me, she is like a cupcake with frosting and sprinkles. I love a cupcake, I think frosting is fantastic, but sprinkles are just too much. She has an incredible voice, is stunningly beautiful, lovely character...but she is just a little bit too much sometimes. The head whips, the costumes, I just want to tell her to sit down somewhere more often than not.
I do have to say, watching her video 'I Was Here' has inspired me and touched me to the core. Speaking of my fears and emotions has given a great snapshot of my life- I never push myself too far past comfortable. I have been amazing places and on trips and excursions people dream of, but looking back I wonder if I truly soaked up everything the moment had to offer. I never thought I'd say this, but Beyonce has changed my perspective. We should live in a way that people cannot overlook, because we should leave a lasting impression on everyone we come in contact with. I want to make people smile, make people take a look at themselves and be inspired to live a life that they are proud of.
I will make sure I do just that.
(incase you want some inspiration, I'll leave the video link here for you.)